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Friday, June 22nd, 2007
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12:06 pm - Post Church Camp
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I've always enjoyed church camps since I was at the one 9 years ago in Sebana Resort. I could almost remember each one vividly, as much as I remember the post camp blues after every one. 4 or 5 days of intense chit chatting and hanging out and slothing around seem to pass so quickly and now I'm back in the intense quietness of the morning and afternoon alone at home. Perhaps the most disheartening thing is that today is friday, and the last day of my holidays for this academic year. It's only been a 3 week holiday and now, should I take another afternoon nap it'll all be over.
Looking back on the past 3 weeks I feel as if I've wasted the holidays. Then again, who actually ever feels that they didn't waste their holiday away? It's ironic that for a person like me who detests school, the dread of the next term starting renders me unable to enjoy my holiday. At least I've watched 2 drama serials, of which 1 was probably the best I've watched in my life. (2003 Yi Tian Tu Long Ji from Taiwan) At first I was reluctant to borrow it as Taiwan has a reputation for producing bad serials. But the day I went down to the shop, all the HK adaptations were rented out and only the Taiwan adaptation was left. Now I'm thankful for that because this show has changed my mindset about Taiwan productions forever. It bests all the HK adaptations I've watched so far.
I haven't touched Mahjong tiles for more than a week! Funny how after so many years of not playing, a random day at Ryan's place got me intrigued by the game all over again. I love games of probability (Mahjong) and I hate mind games (Poker). The holidays are over and I have to wait another year for the next session. Sad but true.
The messages at church camp were so good I am seriously wavered in my decision to stay in Hermon for the rest of my life. But I suppose it isn't wise to church hop just because of the Pastor, but for a preacher to make me consider joining his church, he is really impressive. Anyway Rev Chris Chia is on sabbatical this year so I guess I won't have to deal with this thoughts soon. It's too tough to think about changing church, all the friends I've made, and the attachment to the ministries I've served in, watching everyone grow older. There's so much sentiment involved I almost don't understand how people make the decision so seemingly easily.
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| Saturday, April 14th, 2007
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12:48 am - the night it wasn't so hot
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It's been quite a few weeks since I felt that the weather was cool enough not to warrant turning on the aircon.
I just received the most satisfying loss at DoTA from some NUS hall cybergames champs team. Losing never felt so good, even the one years ago at the NUS cybergames. I believe every avid gamer has a secret desire to be handed a beating by people who are really good at the game.
Rumours are that there will be some sort of overcrowding taking place soon!
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| Thursday, April 12th, 2007
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1:45 am - night calls
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Tmw is 830am to 11pm cos of night call. And I heard the tutorial tmw is conducted by the Head of Ortho in NUH who is notorious for failing final year students during the Final MBBS.
I foresee a terrible day tomorrow.
Went for a jog outside for the first time since starting on the treadmill about 4 weeks ago. I swear I thought my life was ending running up the slope leading to my estate. Weight loss in painful. I ate yong tau fu in clear soup for lunch and I had to compel myself not to finish my packet of the most unhealthy nasi briyani for dinner.
Moral of the story: Never put on unnecessary weight you think can be easily lost. It isn't.
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| Tuesday, April 10th, 2007
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4:45 am - insomnia
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I am unbelievably awake at 430am. I started a massive out-of-boredom blog hunting session almost 2 hours ago and I have located blogs that I never knew existed, of people I never knew blogged. Your secrets are laid bare before me, beware!
And after all that I am still shockingly awake.
It progressed to reading my own entries from 5,6,7 years ago and I am still not bored enough to fall asleep. However I chanced upon some entries that bring back treasured memories and I'm going to respond by sending a message to the current "most-important-person" in my life.
I have finally got the prescription for weight loss pills. The regime starts tomorrow for a month! Weight loss! Amen!
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| Saturday, February 3rd, 2007
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12:42 am - waterpolo
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It seems ages ago that I was part of a team that won a championship that had meant so much to me all these years. It seems ages ago that my life schedule was suddenly put off course by my entry into the medical course in NUS. And it also seems ages ago that I promised myself that I'd play waterpolo again when they enrolled in NUS. But today, in the year 2007 I realise that the promise would remain unfulfilled.
I didn't understand what it was that revived my fire to play for HCJC after a disillusioned 4 years at ACS. I thought that those years playing in ACS killed all my passion and interest in the sport. How wrong I was. Ironically I now don't understand what it was that killed my passion for waterpolo I thought I had regained in my JC years. I never thought that today as they continue playing in NUS that I would not be part of it. I don't think it was laziness, it's impossible to put a finger on it, but it has never crossed my mind. Perhaps it was the dread of playing with anyone other than them in HC. The dread of playing with people that killed my interest in the sport. The dread of bitter memories of the way I felt I was unjustly treated in secondary school years. Maybe it was that I thought I would never again be integral to the team. Perhaps I was too comfortable in an environment of a great team, a secure 1st team place. I was too comfortable with a coach that cared, the only coach I truly respected.
I miss the days. Among great team-mates and what's more, incredible friends. Sometimes I wished I were still a part of it. In fact I do. But it's all too late now. I'll probably be back at the waterpolo pool sometime this week. But this time.
I'm only a spectator.
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| Sunday, October 22nd, 2006
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11:45 pm - 22/10
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The one week break will officially end in 15 minutes. My life will soon revert back into the horrible and monotonous routine, void of humaneness, friendly chat and everything that brings hope to people who hate their job.
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| Saturday, October 21st, 2006
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10:33 am - mid life crisis
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The past week has been uneventful, but having time alone at home made me realise things about myself that I never knew, or never really wanted to know anyway. And taking the personaility test over at Adrian's place was even more revealing in some ways. I've never taken personality tests, because I never liked the feeling that someone out there who's way smarter than me has figured out a way to almost read my mind.
I think I've become one of the most unpleasant people to play DoTA with in recent times. Somehow I've become extremely emo in games, raging on and on whenever someone does something stupid or when I end up on the losing side. And I've been losing more inhouse games recently. Which I believe can be attributed to the imbalanced matchups I've been forced to play. Nevertheless it doesn't seem like a good enough excuse for being emo about everything. And reflecting on it after the games I can't justify all the sarcastic comments I've made.
Overall I think my fuse has shortened quite a bit, and it's disturbing because I never used to be like this. Not so long ago I didn't care much about winning at small stuff like DoTA. But now it seems I cannot take defeat in a positive way. I think the spirit of medicine has really gotten into me.
Writing the script for the christmas musical thing is almost surely going to kill me. I've really no idea how to start. God I need help. I've no idea why I'm given the task when there're so many other talented writers, but then I think about it again and I realise I don't have the talent for any other part anyway. So well. Maybe I shouldn't be included in projects in the future.
Everyone knows the cliche thing about how if they were given the chance to choose again, they'd choose the same again, but for me, I really think I'd choose differently.
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| Friday, September 22nd, 2006
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1:17 am - 21/09/06
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Today is one of those days I sit around a table with friends I've known for all my 3 years in medicine. Amidst the jokes and gossip, I wonder if each of us ever thought of thinks like: Whether we actually liked each other or consider each other friends outside work.
Maybe I'm just one of those insecure people but I can't help sometimes but to think this way so that I wouldn't feel disappointed when I feel let down by people who I thought were friends.
No doubt certain things have happened, some which I can't be blamed for, some which I do have a certain part to play. But I can't get this thought out of my mind that when the bitch of a professor labeled me as incompetant when I couldn't take blood pressure with a *strong language* spoilt BP set that absolutely no one could take blood pressure with, it affected the way my friends and colleagues think of me.
Perhaps it's true that I get too sensitive when people just ignore what I say or maybe it's my own perception that makes me think others don't even know I exist, but I sure as hell don't want to end up as one of those people who can't find partners to open clinics, someone no one wants to work with because I get blamed for something I never did.
Having said that. It's true I'm not half as enthusiastic as most other medical students but it doesn't mean I'm any less competant. Study hard, yes. But. Study smart.
I suppose it is my wish that at the end, I would know that I've made a positive difference to some people, and that it mattered to some that I was born 21 yrs ago.
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| Wednesday, September 20th, 2006
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11:27 pm - My first encounter with a patient
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Today was perhaps significant. It is the first time I've had some sort of social contact with a patient. I've never liked talking to patients much, and I kinda know that I'll never like talking to patients.
But today. The inevitable and the unexpected. Firstly I decided to look for my COFM follow-up case today. It should've been done 2 weeks ago, but taking into account how I don't like interacting with patients, much less arrange a home visit when they've been discharged. I'm honestly not surprised I took so long to get down to doing it. Conviniently enough for me, Dr Chia gave us a CCF/DM case to clerk, and suddenly the thought struck me this patient was good for COFM.
And so the inevitable happened. I volunteered to clerk him, much to my colleague's shock, and in the process taking away their prized opportunity to devour another patient. And so I did clerk him. Asked the usual stuff, did the usual examination, spoke to his daughter who was surprisingly kind to a medical student whom doesn't seem the least bit interested in what he's doing. And so. I've got my COFM case. I presumed it would be the end of an unusual day.
Tutorials carried on as-per-boring-normal-everyday. It was at the end of the day when something unexpected happened. I entered the lift and was rudely greeted by the smelliest body odour one could imagine. There was a morbidly obese boy sitting in the corner of the lift, half screaming to go down to the first floor. Which obviously is restricted to a certain group of patients. The bad news was that he was dressed in home clothes, so how in the world would I know he's a patient. So I said "fine" and hit the button for the first floor. Some student nurse came running over and told me that he was a patient and not allowed to leave his bedside for somewhat obvious delirium. Naturally I stopped the closing doors. And the boy started crying. (I shouldn't call him boy. He looked young but he was twice my size. I think I could fit both my legs into one side of his trousers. THAT BIG.)
Then the patient, the nurse, the security staff and me had this neverending conversation about why he is not allowed to leave the wards. After a few hiccups such as the nurse claiming she's called his parents and brothers to come down when he doesn't have a brother, we convinced him to go back to the ward. He got up, and as he took his first step. He syncoped. Fainted.
I tried to break this fat dude's fall but believe me I've never come across ANYTHING this heavy. He crashed into the floor that literally SHOOK THE LIFT. The next quarter hour was spent trying to drag him out of the lift, which was a problem seeing as how his abdominal width also fit across the WHOLE LIFT ENTRANCE. That completed came the more insane task. Hoisting him up to a wheelchair so he could be brought back to the wards. Regular wheelchairs are nowhere near big enough, so an extra large wheelchair had to be called in. And still it wasn't big enough. We had to remove both arm rests of the wheelchair. And then we realised there was no way we could lift him. The nurse called for the mechanical hoist, and when it arrived we realised he was above the weight limit for the hoist. So it took a combined effort of the hoist, me, 2 security staff, 3 nurses to lift him up into the wheelchair, which I swore was creaking under the weight. So ends my day.
And what a day it was.
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| Saturday, September 16th, 2006
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12:47 am - 16/09/06
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Today I wondered like many other days whether I'm studying for a degree that qualifies me to do what I really want to do for the rest of my life. Especially so after a long lethargic day in the hospital without much enthusiasm for anything other than going home. And even more so when shockingly I lack the ferocious and all devouring motivation that typifies medical students. And feeling so guilty all the time when people ask me whether I enjoy what I'm doing right now and I feel compelled to say yes. It seems simple enough in this case because I know that saying no will precipitate comments from the other person amounting to "don't you know how lucky you are to be studying medicine?"
It seems easy enough to shrug and tell people that my parents had nothing to do with my choice to do medicine. But admittedly I can't exclude the perhaps minute but nevertheless existing factor that I wanted to do something that my parents could be proud of.
And of course I hated National Service. While I could never equate medicine to the lesser of 2 evils, it seems right now the most compelling factor in my application could be that I wanted out of NS.
Puzzling enough I never knew making the 'right' choice could be so controversial. Perhaps I know that choosing to go down this path would probably lead to a brighter future. Yet there is this nagging feeling that I'll never know who I wanted to be.
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| Wednesday, June 7th, 2006
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2:14 am
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Oh. And congrats to all the ORDed people. You have fulfilled your national obligation. Now go fulfil your obligation to enjoy the holidays while they last.
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1:41 am - the 2 weeks of holiday
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Finally the 2 weeks of holidays have arrived. Looking back on the past 2 years in medicine, I realise 10 things about myself.
1) I don't have a life other than that which revolves around my faculty and the people in it.
2) The people I play dota with are from medicine.
3) The people I playED WoW with are from medicine.
4) The people I have breakfast and lunch with are from medicine. Only because we're in the same hospital anyway and it's more convenient.
5) Now that it is the holidays, I have had breakfast and lunch myself. Excluding today when I had Weifen's company at HAY MEE.
6) The people I have dinner with aren't even from medicine. They're either my family or Liquan(Thank God for her, who through all these years remains my friend, my soulmate and my greatest company)
7) I haven't met friends that I've made in JC that I promised myself never to lose contact with in ages.
8) I still don't know everyone in medicine.
9) I'd love to join the NUS diving club but I can't because my timetable just doesn't fit.
10) I think my social life sucks.
Then I look at those around me. I see people who have better grades than me, and people who appear to have a fantastic social life.
Then I realise.
11) It's not so much about the past 2 years in medicine. It's more about who I am these past 2 years.
And I say.
GG.
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| Sunday, April 30th, 2006
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1:27 am - curse of the virtual world?
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I have not played WoW in almost a week. And I realised how sad my life is. I found that I spent so much time doing nothing, feeling so lost because nothing was there to occupy my time. Especially so now that Liquan is having her exams. To put it crudely. I realised I have no life.
Sometimes it's hard not to admire those whose life is so packed with activities, getting involved in so many different people's lives, especially when I have been such a self-involved person for so long.
All the time I've spend these years engaged in a virtual world has perhaps earned me nothing. Time to return to real life? If only I could find it.
Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you, I learnt to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt.
Oh and I'm extremely unhappy with my results this year. Something needs to be done.
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| Tuesday, March 28th, 2006
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11:30 pm - nefarian
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Finally. After 2 months in an Australian guild trying hard to make out what they were trying to say amidst the accent and all.
I have done about all there is to do in World of Warcraft and my guild has cleared Blackwing Lair and downed the giant black dragon bit*h otherwise known as Lord Victor Nefarius.
I must say we have gone pretty much in record pace and are the only guild in the server to have downed Nef. Time of death: Sunday 26 March 2006 8.29pm SG time.
Now that we have achieved the status of being the premium guild on the server what is there left to do? Perhaps Ahn'Qiraj (the new raid dungeon recently released by Blizzard) perhaps quit WoW (oh no I have no idea how I am going to manage that)
Well I hate to remember that I abandoned my old server and my Singaporean guild full of laughter and jokes to pursue a more dedicated and 'hardcore' guild to experience all the end-game content and now that I have done it. It finally feels like it was quite a good thing after all that I failed miserably in my previous attempt to quit WoW those months ago.
And it feels DAMN good that we (a mixed Aussie and SG guild) won the race of downing Nef against a server full of white boys who believe that people of Chinese origin can't play WoW for shit. gfgthxbye
Well for whoever that may be interested I can be found most of the time in World of Warcraft.
Character Name: Marlyne Lvl60 Warlock
Guild Name: Exodus
Server Name: Frostmourne
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| Thursday, February 9th, 2006
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12:33 am - the hearthstone.
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Another night of Molten Core raids. Another epic set piece in the bag. Somehow the thrill seems to have disappeared. Slowly I see my friends leave the game due to work commitments, family, some have migrated, and some because of spousal disapproval. (YES, I AM NOT JOKING. WOW EVEN APPEALS TO MARRIED MEN) All I hear over ventrilo and my speakers are the voices of strangers, some so thickened with an accent that I have difficulty understanding. YET. Day after day night after night I have been telling myself that this is the last time I will play wow. But I find myself logging on again the next time, I find myself attending the next raid, I find myself bidding and hankering over the next piece of loot. It seems WoW has lost its power to grant me extreme satisfaction, but yet I have not devised a way to purge it out of my life. So integral it has become that a night without WoW, or a raid that I miss makes me feel so lost and empty.
Such are the troubles of a 20 yr old who spends most of the day sitting aimlessly at the computer engaged in a virtual world of fantasy, or just daydreaming of the things he wished were happening but are not happening.
I read the blog of someone who recorded the journey he went through to quit wow. It took him 6 months before he finally played WoW for the last time. As for me. I first said I wanted to quit on January the 12th 2006. It has been a month since then. And no progress has been made.
Perhaps it is because I have yet to find something worthwhile that can occupy the void that will be left behind when WoW leaves my life.
Isn't it amazing that so many times one can desire so much to find what what someone else i doing but never got around to finding out.
The hardest thing to say is very often the thing you want most to say.
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| Tuesday, February 7th, 2006
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12:55 am - bad day
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Bad day. I knew it the moment I woke up from a terrible dream. I dreamt of. The past. Believe me when I say dreaming of the past is not exactly what someone would call a pleasant dream. Especially when on hindsight you realise you've done some things completely wrong. Basically I relived as much of the 20 years i have lived as I could remember and when I woke up I couldn't really tell if I had made a decision that I felt was correct up till this present moment. And thats a sucky thought. That all I have made were mistakes.
Last week I was told that the only problem I have is being able to let go. I get upset and distressed over things that shouldn't even concern me anymore. My inability to accept things and outcomes that are now just histories, and my inability to come to terms with the fact that those things I lost, I lost forever has caused me to hurt and upset people that have been so important to me these recent years.
What in the world is wrong to me. Am I going to remain in a state of futile unacceptance such that even years down the road as I watch you wear the ring out of someone else's pocket I would still be thinking that 'hey I deserve this more than this punk ever will'. No, this self delusion cannot continue.
On to other matters.
Adrian and Anna came over to my place together with some other church families for a new year dinner last week. I'm really glad that he is now back in Singapore for good. At least now it looks that way. I've learnt so much from him and he continues to be an encouragement and inspiration.
What, O what am I gonna do about my WoW addiction.
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| Saturday, February 4th, 2006
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10:37 pm - undecided
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should i reactivate my wow account and restart on a new server AGAIN? the plan to share an account with vics isnt working out too well. for some reason he is abstaining from PVP like its the plague. and wow without PVP can get so boring! raiding the same instances over and over again. not knowing what to do with all the uber gear we've spent so much time collecting.
but if i restart on another server it's the FOURTH TIME i'm abandoning a character for another. that means releveling to level 60 again, collecting fire resist for molten core etc all over again. man.. maybe i should just calm down and be patient and wait for the guild to mature and progress faster into newer raid dungeons.
anyway. enough thought about wow.
it's been a rather pleasant chinese new year and i'm thankful for all the visitations to relatives and friends that i otherwise would hardly meet. i find CNY really meaningful at times, looking past the red packet collecting spree to the tradition and culture that has so deeply influenced the practices we have today.
something tse lert said yesterday really struck me. i've been letting myself find too many excuses to escape from commitments and responsibilities. perhaps its time for me to look carefully at my time and what i've been doing with it, and perhaps take a step towards where i can serve the church and its people better.
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| Saturday, January 28th, 2006
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12:50 am - closing a chapter of...er...
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I was asked a very interesting question today.
"If there was this girl you liked but for some reason you never got together with, and now you're already close to someone else, but whenever you see her with some other guy you get really upset and you wonder 'what does she even see in him?'. Have you really gotten over her?"
Hmm. I don't know.
Ugh.
Anyway. Server is back up again *pewpewpew* Back to WoW.
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| Friday, January 20th, 2006
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12:28 am - lifechanging experiences
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20th January 2006 - 0130 hours. i should be sleeping. oh well.
what a significant 2 weeks in my insignificant life.
begun rather bleakly as i woke up 2 sundays ago realising the next day was my microbiology CA, and worse, i knew nothing about it. overcome by stress and worry even as i played the piano in church, terrified by the prospect of failing ridiculously. went about the rest of the afternoon in church wondering whether i should just pick myself up and study for it and hope to pass. decided after a few phone calls that yes there was still hope! went home to pack and headed straight to school for overnight mugging.
what was intended to be a night of serious mugging turned out to be a night with 2 very stressed out guys (etc Chengyu and me) flaming everything about the medicine faculty, from the professors, the staff, the corpses in the anatomy hall (oops. the 'cadavers' i mean! we're banned from using layman terms in med school u know) to all the professors, staff and lecturers that look and smell like the cadavers. and very cadaver-ic senses of humour. and the compassion of a corpse to boot. oops. *cadaver*
slowly it degenerated into what we concluded were stress-busting sessions of 1v1 Dota. righttt. (why am i even playing dota. thats so not *in* anymore) grabbed 20 minutes of sleep in total. spent the night trying to cram as much as we could. (hell we even went for an ice-cold early morning shower to keep awake). walked into the exam hall with mixed feelings of worry and. erm. anxiety?
but what an exam it turned out to be. 2 hours later i walked out.
Friends: Ey how?
Me: Er. I quite sure I can pass lar.
How prophetic i turned out to be.
the rest of the week passed by uneventfully. BUT the next monday.
Friends: EY! WTF! (and all sorts of profanities i shall not list) you got 81 for micro b??!!!
Me: omg.
Friends: wah lau wtf you ****** (%$^&#$*&%^&#^$&^!!!!)
Me: omg.
that was such a *pewpewpew* experience. never in my mind crossed the thought of getting 81 for anything at all in my entire 6 yrs in med school. i went home straight after school and pondered upon all the terrible consequences that would come upon me for getting such a ridiculous score i don't deserve in a faculty of distinction-hungry-will-kill-for-an-A carnivores.
by the time it was dinner i couldn't take it any longer and i called up my 2 closest friends (victor who has been my gaming buddy for more than a year, and chengyu who had to endure the shit studying for the supplementary papers with me while everyone else was on holiday after we screwed up our year 1 final exams.) i asked if i would be hated forever for my heretic and blasphemous deed in the microbiolody exam hall. and i guess after some reassurance and encouragement and giving some false hope that no one is gonna hold anything against me, i did feel better. but i dreaded the next few days in school.
news spread like wildfire. the next day the only conversation i was involved in didn't go like "hey how are you?" or "morning! good to see u today!" it was more of "omg! is it true you got 81 for microbiology??!!" it got so bad that after i ran out of answers, victor had to stand in for me and ward off the excess attention focused on me, the overnight VILLIAN.
i guess i do feel bad, that i got a result i definitely didn't deserve, (i was looking more at a borderline pass) and yet thankful that inspite of all this, the bottom line is that i did really well (somehow) and it's gonna take alot of stress of me for the final year papers.
another life-changing experience was that despite our initial agreement, victor and i decided not to quit world of warcraft. he still has game subscription active and really, for us to quit now is to give up all our effort and time we invested into the game, all our epic equipment and so on. but we realised that we cannot carry on camping at home playing from dawn to dawn the next day. so we decided we would both play the same character. basically. shift work. lol. we restarted on another server and before long, we were at the max level again and starting the quest for yet another set of epic equipment. ah the joys of online gaming.
wow. what a significant 2 weeks flew by in the life of yet another insignificant individual.
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| Sunday, January 1st, 2006
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8:58 pm - 2005
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Amidst the dazzling fireworks that lighted the night sky atop the Stadium Waterfront, in my mind rewound the year that has become a memory.
What has the year brought me. I recall times of sadness. Friendships that have gone stale, hopes that have faded, dreams that have died, aspirations shattered by the harshness of reality. And one dream I finally decided it's time to rename a fantasy. Sometimes it takes years for a person to realise that dreams don't always come true.
You have taught me how to feel disappointment, envy, joy, hope and anxiousness, and probably till now have no idea who you really are to me, and in 2006 I think I should let this part of you leave and let you remain who you thought you always were.
Yet in all the pessimism, I've much to thank God for the past year. For the friends and people that have touched my life, for the memories given to me which I will treasure the rest of my life, and for a few special people that have shaped such a major portion of the year for me. And for Liquan, a little spark of joy I can always depend on in the worst of times and whom I can always seek out to share those little moments of joy.
Thank you all who have played a role in my life and I hope that in some small way I can also be a blessing to you.
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nithe's journal